Before I Disappear (2014)

One could only describe him as a bleeding man.

That’s how i would categorize our protagonist—he’s introduced to us face first, in pomegranate-tinted bath water. Eyes reddened and void of any light; like the guy on the subway who you avoid eye contact with because you feel as bad as he looks. Pathetic.

This film always came to mind when i thought about the types of movies that i liked. i remember forgetting the name of this movie and beating myself up for not being able to bring it to mind. You ever type the description of a film in Google, and no matter how hard you try to remember it you cant seem to find it? i’d wager i was on the lookout for this film for over 3 years, after a chance encounter of it on 123Movies in high-school.

Before I Disappear (2014) is a feature film based on a short film directed by Shawn Christensen, which stars himself. A cigarette smoking, awkward loner goes to work and sees a freshly-deceased girl in the 4th stall of the ladies washroom in a nightclub. Chilled to the bone, his boss sends him home early with flora as a parting gift. For Richie, this was the herald to finally reunite his love, Vista.

A red rotary phone rattles off in his messy studio apartment, disturbing his final voyage to the beyond. Apprehensive, his right hand drenched in blood with a razor tucked in between his index and middle finger lifts the receiver to his ear. Not allowing him more than a word in, his sister’s request splashes a bucket of cold water on his fevered head: she asks him to baby sit her daughter, Sophia.

Fatima Ptacek (Sophia) and Shawn (Richie), the two leads, came back together to make the feature length a year after Curfew (2012) earned him an Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film. With that accolade on their belt, they were able to access the required funding for the expanded world Richie lives in. The transcription between the two is almost verbatim, from dialogue down to key frames.

From Sophia asking if he doesn’t have a girlfriend because of his bad breath to the final scene where his sister Maggie calls to invite him for dinner, this movie doesn’t lean on much to make us feel. The intimate range we are given of focus on these characters is intentional: each scene is filmed like a comic book, with each shot framed like a panel. We look into they’re eyes, their feelings left bare and open. Paul Wesley, who portrayed the night club owner Gideon, has a fiery disposition so nuanced his pupils seem to bloat on demand.

This movie isn’t perfect. Due to its tight shooting schedule of 21 days, there were some inconsistencies and limitations that are strange, but they’re few and far in between. Like when a Sophia’s mother frantically demands that her daughter be escorted out the side door of her high end apartment complex while us, the audience, are never shown the real danger of the situation. Or another moment where the Richie drags Sophia out of the bowling alley for safety reasons just to then return there later on that night.

Because of the nature of this type of film, they had to stick to the original plot of this story happening all in one night—which it narrowly succeeded doing, considering the time constraints and how much had to be done to make this film possible. With that being said, one of my favourite scenes is one where Shawn’s acting chops truly take full form.

The dark atmosphere of this film allows it to deal with heavy topics with slight jest. After deciding to overdose on sleeping pills as opposed to sliting his wrists, the phone rings once again. Richie argues with a loan shark who taunts with the stress of him owning 800$, warning that it would increase by 200$ each day the debt isn’t paid. During those 2 minutes of back and forth he proclaims triumphantly that by the time morning broke he would be long dead, right before slamming the receiver. The voice calls out from the unhooked appareil, stating that he’s already in the building and that he can hear the song being played from the halls. David Bowie’s Five Years begins to emerge, and a dream sequence begins to unfold which is ultimately interrupted by Richie being yanked back to reality by his niece.

No justice can do done by a mere description of that scene. As much as this movie is contingent on the dialogue and interactions between characters, what isn’t said, what were forced to see, the silence—that’s where this film excels. Near the rear end of this flick, the wife of the man Sophia’s mother slept with smokes a cigarette on the steps of Central Booking waiting for the arraignment to end. She barely speaks more than 3 lines, but her story is explained in the silent exit she and her husband take, arms falling in anger and argument.

This film also takes a nod to the inherent inequality women are dealt: after being a victim of assault Maggie, Sophia’s mother, is detained. Luckily a private lawyer sent by Gideon as an apology to Richie was sent to deal with her case. During their brief conversation, the lawyer informs her that she could be framed to be the malevolent mistress who “tore” her wealthy lover’s family apart by the defence. After what seemed to be a settlement or having dropped the case fully, Maggie decides to work from home to salvage her reputation in her career. Getting pregnant with her daughter at a young age, she worked hard to make something of herself. Richard on the other hand did not.

The disparity between what women have to do in order to succeed compared to men is a reality that many can’t seem to admit to. Although Richie means well for the most part, the decisions he makes are irresponsible and put those around him in danger. Bill, the boss who gave him heroine in exchange for him to not talk about the dead girl he saw at work, says it best:

“You know the wonderful thing about you, Richie? Death isn’t a just a destination for you. It’s a part of you.”

Richie often fades in and out of consciousness, and the things he sees are a blur of imagined and real things. His insinuated drug abuse makes it so people around him act passive to his decisions. They don’t take him seriously, and enable his destructive behaviour, when in reality all that he needed was an excuse, a raison d’être.

The film ends with him back in the tub, about to finish what he intended to be his last night on the planet. After a long night of babysitting and setting things straight with Gideon on what happened to his late girlfriend, he decides its time for him to disappear.

But then phone rings.

This movie is a special one for me. The weird Jersey accent aside, Richard feels like an extension of myself. Someone whose desperate for peace, for joy. Someone who could use some affection. Someone who could use some hope. i feel like that might ring true for all of us. ✶